Written by Dirk A. Keaton, webMASTER

TOP STORY: Web for the Holidays

   While the rest of you are involved in various sorts of Christmas rivalry (er...
revelry), I am going to be working on the page.  Expect a massive SDOAP section
(For all three plays, including my own) that gave me info and a newsletter (The 
real one that never comes out) archive, including the new one if it ever come out.
If you want stuff on the page, the Holidays are the time to do it for me (Since I
am Zennist and don't have a functional family).
    I would talk more, but I have nothing more to say, HAPPY BOXING DAY!

An open letter to my Secret Santa

Dear Secret Santa,

   You're a bum.  Suck my cock
and go to hell.

		         Love,
		Dirk A. Keaton 
 
Album Review: "Feliciano!" by Jose Feliciano

   Spencer and I were in Half Price Books the other day (unplanned, we just bumped
into each other).  While there, I commented on the crappiness of the $0.50 pile. 
I was yearning for the days where I could get Neil Young, Hindu Love Gods, and 
Gorky Park down below.  Then, like a shining beacon came Feliciano!  The cover said
FEATURING Light My Fire.  It was plastered with several delicately painted
images of a man in sunglasses and a bowling shirt picking a classical guitar.  "A
flamenco guitarist playing light my fire I exclaimed," I greedily dashed home with
the package and put the record on my GE portable turntable.  It was heaven.  
   Feliciano! is more than just your standard classical guitar mess (My love for
which has been expressed in more than one review), it is an ingenious compilation
of modern pop standards arranged in a Spanish classical guitar style.  It begins
with a seductive flamenco version of "California Dreamin'".  For some reason, it 
has been a favorite of cover bands for years (A punk version of it was quite popular 
two years ago).  Never has it been done like this.  He begins with an arpeggiated
flourish, then slowly croons out the lines, paying attention to every nuance that
blasts Mammas and Pappas alike with soul, then the time quadruples, Feliciano rev
-erts into Spanish and pounds out the third verse.  It's all recorded live, but
you couldn't tell.  He plays and sings so artfully.  He could easily be an accomp
-lished singer, but his guitar virtuosity is just as potent.
   After I pulled my jaw off the floor it went into the advertised song, "Light 
My Fire," or should I say, "Light My Bossa."  That's right, Bossa Nova.  Rattling
Latin percussion and gentle guitar totally eradicate the song's status as the
crux of stoner rock.  While the limited lyric was intentional (So Morrison could
focus on the organ), Feliciano, does some of his most powerful singing.  A Stevie
Wonder-esque style, he plays with the "Light My Fire" lyric, using it as a plat
-form to improv off of.  The triumph of Light my Fire goes to balladry with a
heart-rending rendition of Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying.  Here he plays 
with the use of space, stretching the song's 170 seconds into an eternity.
   Then there's his courtship with lesser known Beatles songs.  He starts off
with In My Life.  Here he takes some of the Beatles' best lyrics and flings them
out of Brit-pop.  He makes the song his own, while remaining reverent to the 
poetry within.  Then, he moves onto And I Love Her.  While the lyrics seem to be
the best Feliciano vehicle, he ignores it entirely by playing the vocal line 
along with the guitar part.  However, it is beyond mere Muzak.  Here his virtuo
-sity is best proved.  As a fingerpicker and listener of fingerpicked records,
I was beside myself.  There was no way it could be an overdub, but I have never
heard a live recording that seemed some multitracked.  I swear to God, to play
that piece I would have to split into two.  His third Beatles song is a few
tracks later: Here, There, Everywhere.  I never liked that song much, but he 
Felicianifies that sucker into pure gold.  
   The best oddity, however, has to be the bolero version of (There's) Always
Something There to Remind Me.  The song immediately perks up your ears becau
-se you recognize the lyrics, but can't place them.  When the chorus kicks in,
you are beside yourself.  The origional Always... was a bit too loose to fully
discern what is being sung.  The song's complete out-of-context cover blows
your mind because IT IS GOOD.  That's the Feliciano magic.  He takes songs
that you know and twists them around into covers that can stand on themselves
without any knowlege or appreciation of the origional.  He is an artist of the
highest caliber, for I could give him Rumble in Brigton, Oh Pretty Woman, Hey
Ho Lets Go, or The Fifth Symphony, and it'd come out Feliciano.  There are 
many more great tracks on the album.  No clunkers.  The easiest five penguins
I have ever given.  If you don't believe me, I'm bringing it to the Gala.

SCORE:  of 5 penguins.
   
Haiku For the Taco Bell Chicken Quesedia

I wonder if 
Feliciano will go
To Taco Bell



Feat of Strength #12

The Feat of Strength competition is a test to see how ballin' my Thespian brothers are.  
Each week's winner (The first to mail me the correct/best answer) will recieve a nominal 
prize.

This week's prize is:

Vice-Presidency in the Feliciano cult.

This week's feat is:

Feliciano is quite mysterious.  Write the best fake biogrpahy of him you can, including:

Super Powers
Johnny Cash
The Muppet Babies
Alien Landings
Summer Sasuage

(You have until next 0600 Thursday GMT (Or midnight Wednesday, here), or more likely, 
whenever the hell I get to making a new newsletter (My release dates are bad, but 
they ain't worse than Spence), to e-mail me the answer.


Until Next Week...
Have fun and give it up to the Dutch.