Written by Dirk A. Keaton, webMASTER

TOP STORY: A Tale of Three THUGS

   Yep, three thugs, I am stuck with a problem of a rather good kind (Not really).
I have three thugs.  I wanted to replace the THUG because it lost good data.  The
second one saves thosands of messages, but it's fugly.  The Third one doesn't lose
messages, and isn't fugly, but you have to log in.  What's a man to do?  I think
we're keeping the second one, but you tell me.  Give me your opinions, I want to
know, to feel, to walk a mile in your shoes.

Dance of the Anarchists 
(A Short Story)
by Piggie Longbottoms

   So there was this bug, and it was really big, and I sat on it, and it ate my
ass, and then I was falling, falling, assless, and I wondered, hey is this covered
in my HMO, and that's when I switched to Blue Cross Blue Shield...

FORGIVE THIS DISTURBANCE, FROM NOW ON, 
ALL CORPORATE GUEST WRITERS WILL BE SCREENED

we now return you to dance of the anarchists...

   ...and so, the turtle said, got a light man, and I said, hell no, what does this
look like, a headshrinkers' convention, then the lion came and I kissed him, so he
says to me, "Bebopalula," and I kicked him in the teeth and said "Don't rip off the
clasics," and he's like, "Whoa, what's with the hostility," and I said I was Gene
Vincent in a past life, and he said, "Whoa, I was Buddy Holly," then we were like
joesin' for a taco, so we walked into this Taco Bell, and I asked for one, and he
said, he being the clerk, "This is a clown college, now," and I was like, "A Clown
College, wha?"

APPARENTLY, MR. LONGBOTTOMS HAS MANAGED
TO RIP OFF GENE VINCENT AND SPENCER'S TAKE ON MY
CLOWN JOKE IN ONE RUN-ON, THIS STORY WILL NOW BE
FINISHED BY JERRY FALWELL

we now rereturn you to dance of the anarchists...

    ...and so, the queers, and Mexicans, and the Jews, and the sanitation workers,
and the Democrats, and the film industry, and fuckin' Teletubbies burned in hell,
and it was good, and then I had lunch, and after that I wrote a new book for the
Bible, and made up a whole buch of stuff to make justify racism and bigotry, then
I was hungry, and I had some toast, but it was burned, and burned things cause
cancer and I died.

Album Review: "Jack Salmon and Derby Sauce" 
by Steve Ferguson and the Midwest Creole Ensamble

   Getting past the rather odd name of the backing band, I have a confession to
make, I am reviewing yet another indipendent blues album after I said reviewing
an independent album was rather odd for me.  While the last one came from the
sunny land of California, this one made its way to a Fort Worth-area Warehouse
Music (One that sells a used tape).  Other than a respectable collection of 
early Everly tracks (For two bucks), there was this little gem.
   The opening riffs fool you, it sounds like another Clapton-influenced white
blues record, then, it all goes different from there.  He sings, it sounds like
the ghost of Otis Redding, you look at the record, Steve Ferguson (Can you get 
a whiter name than that), lead vocals.  It all goes funky from there.
   This is, arguably, the craziest blues record I've ever heard.  Steve bounces
Clapton-esque riffs (With a hint of Sam and Dave) of a tightly-arranged section
of kick horns and odder instruments (Like Dulcimers).  You have to wonder, does
it sound odd, no! no! no!  This is, arguably, the funkiest blues I have ever
heard anyone play (No matter the race), and I flows like water.  If not for the
complex lyrics, virtuosity, and searing bluesy guitar, it could be called near
-pop.  This is the one blues record I can safely put on in a car without pro
-test.  You have to be inhuman to like this record.  It's as if Stevie Wonder
sang cleaner soul, played mean guitar, always improved off a tight band.
   I gained even more respect when I read the notes, this guy's background is
in rockabilly.  That's right, rockabilly.  I can't tell.  This is the equivalent
of the Rick Nelson and Jim Burton donning Lime Green suits and laying down
more sweet soul music than the surgeon general recommends.  I am baffled. I am
perplexed.  All I can say is its great.
   Gonynor, if you're reading this, this is the Fishbone of white blues.  He
crosses from genre to genre.  Including blues, funk, soul, Bo Diddley-esque
shuffle, African-American spritual, country, irish, and rock.  The funny thing
is, it all works.  Did I mention, 10 origional tracks (1 cover).  Not as
many as Good Rockin' Daddy's 15, but the singing fits!  
   If you are ever in Michigan, buy this album.  If you ever see me, I'll loan
it to you.  I may bootleg this, just so all of you can experience it.  It is,
without a doubt, the only blues record I have ever ground (grinded?) to.  Thus
I give it a resounding:

SCORE:  of 5 penguins.
   
Haiku For the Taco Bell Chicken Quesedia

Had a burrito
No Qusedia for me
Strapped for cash


Feat of Strength #14

The Feat of Strength competition is a test to see how ballin' my Thespian brothers are.  
Each week's winner (The first to mail me the correct/best answer) will recieve a nominal 
prize.

This week's MEGA-prize is:

The Nickname "Sparky" and an Action Bible Songs video

This week's feat is:

Give me a list of words/names ending with the word "zo" (2 Points deducted for use
of fake words/names, NO BIZIARRE SLANG/Nautical Terms, normal slang accepted):

(You have until next 0600 Thursday GMT (Or midnight Wednesday, here), or more likely, 
whenever the hell I get to making a new newsletter (My release dates are bad, but 
they ain't worse than Spence), to e-mail me the answer.


Until Next Week...
Have fun and give it up to the Dutch.